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Yearly Archives: 2012
Now and then we wonder what happened to the person we loved as a child. Sara had her love, but time erased his memory…until she was face to face with him again.
There are spaces in time we never forget…learning to ride a bike, standing on stage singing with my school Glee Club for the first time, graduating from high school, falling in love, giving birth to my children and finally understanding what love is really all about. I have now added a new one to my list…it is finishing my first novel. The emotions fill my soul faster than I can understand…sadness that it came to an end, exhilaration because I loved writing it, satisfaction, pride, and happiness because I accomplished it. From the time I was young, I have loved to write…but it was always in the form of a poem. I dreamed one day of writing a novel…maybe it would be built on truth, maybe just filled with my imagination…maybe a little of both. Finally, about 20 years ago I did start a novel…and started another and another…but never getting very far. Life’s priorities were pointed in other directions. But life is different now, and while sitting in a waiting room one day I saw a magazine article that said “Write All About It”…and so it started. I tore the article out of the magazine and to this day and always it remains taped to the side of my filing cabinet. Those four words of encouragement started a process I will always treasure. Together with my 38 year old dictionary, tattered and worn with the binding duck taped in an attempt to keep the pages in tact, I was soon entering writing contests and enjoying every minute. Suddenly I realized…why stop there. I revisited the novels I had started, looking at the directions I could take them…but an entirely different inspiration hit me…in the middle of the night as they often do and that was it…the novel started pouring out of me…for the past four months to be exact. Working my writing in around everything else in my life was constantly motivated by passion. I have now followed my dream and written my first novel…and no matter what the circumstances are around getting it published…I can proudly say I did it…I did it…I did it…and I am very happy. Writing this book became a part of me faster than I thought possible…the characters became real people in my mind. I knew their thoughts, desires and dreams as the situations became as real as if I was living it myself. Trust me when I say, I’m not delusional…I know I’m not a literary scholar, but I know now I can do it…in fact, I’ve already outlined my next book. I couldn’t help but share the excitement I feel…if for no other reason than to encourage all of you reading this to follow your dream, don’t let anyone stop you and if you never get anything more out of it than your own self accomplishment, than that is okay…because it is your dream…go get it and embrace every second you spend working towards that finish line.
No matter where you are in your life, no matter whether you are a person of faith, have no particular faith, are a Christian, Catholic, Jehovah Witness, or follow a different spiritual faith…I hope you will read this blog. It is about an experience that enriched my life in so many levels I wanted to share it with you, maybe it will speak to you too. I hope all my Facebook readers will “share” this with their friends and those with their friends and so on and so on, to reach as many people as possible. Let me say upfront, this blog has a personal tone to it because it is my story, it is not a plea for sympathy or even understanding…it is just my story. Though it will be hard for me to keep this limited to highlights of the weekend and not fill the pages with my life, I will do my best. This weekend I went on a retreat with the women of my church. I have always dreamed of experiencing this part of my journey with my daughter, Kristin, through our church in Lynnwood, WA, but it never happened due to scheduling with children, work or expenses…maybe someday this will still transpire, but for now it is a regret I hold because I didn’t make it happen. This time I was able to go with my church in Colorado, timing is everything. I could not have been more blessed, this weekend was an experience I will always treasure. We were a small group, maybe 40 total…an intimate group of women bonding in many ways. The speakers for our retreat were women from our church. It was raw emotions filled with guidance, support, and love from God. The four women that facilitated the event prayed for guidance from God on what the theme should be since there were no guest speakers planned. Through God’s direction the theme was forgiveness. A powerful word, a universal word, one that defines emotions we can not deny…regardless of faith. One of the processes we went through was understanding that forgiveness does not mean we condone what the person did, but in order to move forward in our lives, forgiveness is needed. We stay captive by the enemy by holding on to what we have not forgiven, and we only hurt ourselves in the long run. Each facilitator shared their thoughts and desires for us regarding forgiveness. Many other women share personal stories and yes, tears flowed freely, as we all listened, learned and loved. Whether it was their story or the story of a friend, the moments of vulnerability were staggering. Though all speakers get kudos from me for their ability to share, one of our retreat leaders, Jenny, spoke to me in a way that penetrated deep to the core of my heart…and that is what prompted my blog. As she spoke, she shared a prayer that was written to guide us with words many of us are not able to put together, it carries blank spots to be filled out by whomever is saying it…and can be changed as needed. If you are not a person of faith, maybe you can use this as a guide to create your own…it goes like this:
Father God, I confess that I have been holding on to_______. I repent of holding on to that and not trusting you with _________, I repent of relying on my own power to handle the situation and not relying on you. I ask for your forgiveness and deliverance from all of its effects throughout my spirit, soul and body. With the blood of Jesus, I now encircle __________, and all entities associated with it. I bind it as one package and cast it to the cross. I ask you Holy Spirit, to fill me more fully with your presence and your ________. Undo all damage done by the enemy. Breathe your life into what the enemy declared dead. Thank you for delivering me and healing me. In Jesus Name, Amen.
I had to come to terms with forgiveness this weekend, but in doing so it was clear it isn’t others I need to forgiven…it is myself. Through time I was able to forgive others because I learned to understand what drove them, whether it was sadness, fear, anger, loneliness, or a vast number of other emotions. Some of the people were co-workers, some acquaintances, some family member…but regardless of who it was, I forgave…not in a righteous way, but in a humble way, if that makes any sense, love and forgiveness prevailed…except where I was concerned. I have hurt many people in my life because of choices I have made, all for the same reasons…sadness, fear, anger, loneliness or whatever. For anyone reading this that knows my story, was involved in a situation or is close enough to my soul to know the circumstances…you understand my regrets. Realizing I am too weak to forgive myself without God’s help was humbling to me. I always think I can do anything on my own…I am woman, hear me roar…but I have learned I am not able to. I often give my struggles to God, but I’ve held onto this one issue because I feel I don’t deserve to be forgiven. How can I be relieved of punishing myself after the mistakes I’ve made…so, instead I tied the brink of regret onto my heart and continue to carry it around weighing down my soul. One of our exercises was to take about 10 minutes to meditate and listen to God. I have practiced meditation for years but this time I was instructed to ask God what he sees in me, a humbling question. Whether it would come to us in one word or a phase, we were to listen. Almost to the minute the time was up, I heard a single word…courage. I realize this can have many meanings coming from God…was it the courage I had drawn on to get through my childhood, life experiences of losing family members and friends through death, especially one of my children, my many divorces (not a glib comment by the way) or maybe milestones in my professional life. As the weekend progressed I thought, yes it may have been for all those reasons, but maybe…just maybe…it is that God knows it will take courage to forgive myself and He believes I have the courage to accomplish this task. Heather, another retreat leader, provided each of us with a geode stone…and with her loving guidance, told us when we were ready to break through the hard crust and let forgiveness evolve, we could crack open the rock where we will find beauty inside. I would like to believe I could do this overnight…but forgiving myself will not be a quick task for me. I will get there because I know God has faith in me, so I plan to work hard to accomplish this soon. I cannot change what happened, but I will learn to forgive myself, then I will crack open that rock to find the treasure within…peace. So, whoever you are out there reading this…I hope you will take time out to reflect on giving and/or accepting forgiveness…and start healing. I also sincerely hope if I have hurt you, that you have found it in your heart to forgive me…as I hope someday to forgive myself.
Today I would like to talk about our “Declaration of Independence” – I wonder sometimes if we have forgotten how it all started. Our commitment to how this country should be operating…it’s about our freedom. I wouldn’t live anywhere else; and if born elsewhere, I would fight to get here too…but the right way. As we look at the condition of this country, there is a difference between where we are and where we should be. When you read through the declaration, I find so much of it has been lost in this “modern” world. We have all but forgotten that it is our right, our duty to protect the operation of this government. To not allow the government to “overrun” us, our beliefs, our security. We have such open borders with no regard to who or what is coming into our country. We have processes in place that are followed and respected by many, who right away live by our laws including paying taxes. For this group, I say I don’t blame you for coming here and thank you for your good intentions, good hearts and strong integrity. Then there are the illegal immigrants…our government turn their eyes away from those that disregard our laws (approximately 4 million and counting according to our politicians). Then to reward all those that sneak in…we feed, clothed and housed them and pay for their education…in hopes that someday they will be taxpaying citizens. This all happening while we, the taxpayers, foot the bill and the native people that need help are turned away. We have Boarder Patrol officers who are expected to man 13 miles of wall…are you kidding me????
On top of that we have oversized corporations that have more tax loopholes than employees…a mild exaggeration, of course, but you get my drift. They, and the rich, are building a nice little nest any gold egg would love to live in while the regular Joe is left to struggle in any attempts to retire, let alone purchase medical insurance if they are not employed or their employer cannot afford to offer a plan.
Our beliefs are continually being pulled away from what we know to be right…such as God in our schools, Christmas trees in the airports and heaven help us if we say Merry Christmas…nope, we are expected to call Christmas parties “holiday parties”, we are expected to take on the traditions of other countries with open arms, yet they have come into our country…what happened to “when in Rome”…because we are so blessed with our freedom, we are afraid to makes waves…American people are lost in this place we call the United States of America…how sad to realize we are being expected to just given up on all that it stood for. I am just plain sad sometimes. I say a prayer in the morning, in the evening and before every meal because I remember what God intended for this country, and I hope through prayer it will resurface. Many other countries do not want to live by God’s laws or have interpreted them to fit their “leaders” rules…I am sad for them. I don’t have an issue with diversity, but let’s keep it in perspective…meaning that does not give anyone the right to start stomping out our lives here on our soil. I don’t see a government that stands up for the people, they send our young men and women to fight others battles, they say it protects our homelands…how about bringing our troops home and just protecting our borders better. They let hunger prevail while they continue to give the rich better tax breaks. Everyone is so worried about being PC that they have allowed other beliefs, religions etc. take over this country. It is time we take it back. If I had my way, all government officials would be required to step down and a new set of rules along with new governing heads to step in…based off what we the people want. A fresh start…for the people, by the people. It’s not to late, though sadly I doubt I will see the day it turns back around. Wouldn’t it be nice if you, the average Joe, or maybe your neighbor wanted to run…and all offices were changed out with regular Joes…no million-dollar campaigns, no inaugural ball that cost taxpayers millions…just a one-time newspaper with the info needed or brochures and a Public Television news clip. No sense in bothering with the televised debates…the candidate is coached based off what their constituents’ issues are and where the pulse of the voter is. I don’t want to hear about who slept with whom…I want to know who is going to fix this mess we are in….and actually DO IT.
We had a young man speak at our church today about the declaration…he was beyond insightful, spoke the truth and really got my mind thinking. National Prayer Day is coming up, if you can’t get to your Capital building, I hope you can take time to pray…whether it is for leadership guidance or complete overhaul of our government…please pray, it will help if we all believe.
I have added the beginning of the Declaration to this blog, I have left it in its’ original text so it is written as they spoke back then. I hope you can take a minute to read through it. I have highlighted key points made that are important in my eyes and hopefully in yours as well.
I apologize if this ruffled feathers, but this is how I feel…I just needed to get it out on paper.
Again…thanks for listening and God Bless.
Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.–That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, —That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right,it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.–Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
I recently read a blog that spoke to me – it was about writing without anyone knowing who it was from. It is a paradox for sure when you have something to say and feel the need to get it out in cyber world, but are afraid or concerned about what the affects your words could hold for others. Are the feelings just to private to be read? Will anyone know who/what/where I was referring to? Will my words sting someone as if a swarm of bees just landed in their heart? Or fill them with loving warmth as if caring arms had just embraced them. I know for me, life can be that mixed bag of thoughts. Those that know me well are often subjected to my soap box of emotions…lol. Because you want the people reading it to know how you feel…it’s deep inside you screaming to get out. Yet, the privacy rings loud and clear at the same time.
I have started writing – with real dedication this time. Not just blogs but stories. I change the names of course, to provide privacy for others, but find the connection I have with people great inspiration for characters. Some stories are based off true accounts, others are just my imagination spun into fiction but driven by some fraction of life experiences, places or people. Sometimes it is a matter of healing for me. I have come to realize that putting something in words and then hitting that delete button just isn’t working for me anymore…I have too much to say.
Sending my words off to someone unknown to me is scary as well, but I am on a mission to be heard and I am excited about the process. I am also very blessed with a husband that – though I can make his day much easier as his cubbie (aka gopher) – he is now going to work on his own most days so I can write my days away. I wrote a short story the other morning waiting for him to get home so we could head out for a lunchtime appointment. While we waited in the office, he had time read it, and laugh because he could feel my emotions (protection/aggression) in the story. Of course the title “Devil Winds” was inspired by him…think he got a kick out of that. So, as the story goes, I’m having a great time. It’s a great help having my big sis reviewing and pointing out needed spelling/grammar changes….thanks Erica. Bet she will be sorry she is a teacher, now won’t she…lol.
So for the person I was referring to at the beginning….I say write…write poems, write stories, write you heart out. Don’t limit yourself to your blogs (which I love), you were given a gift from God for a reason, find the time to share your life/love/thoughts/inspirations/imagination with the world. Embrace your talent and thank God for it every day.