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Yearly Archives: 2014

Second Chances

As many of you may know, I left my husband in September and traveled back to Washington…broken hearted. I had lost my dream, my life, as I knew it. I was shattered and broken by what was suppose to be the blending of two lives, but became two lost souls searching for something they couldn’t find.

I can’t cast all the blame on my husband, no, that would not be right. However, I want to say that I didn’t see it coming…his heart grew in hardness, and my walls continued to grow higher and thicker in resentment, sadness and loneliness. I could no longer reach him with kindness, softness or even God’s words.

Was our life a daily struggle, no, it was fine generally speaking, especially the first year…but eventually, as one might expect, the heartache, unpleasantness, and his anger drove me away from the man I truly love. I had no other choice but to leave in order to survive. I let the wall I built to protect myself be the tool that would load that trailer hitched to my car, and fill my vehicle to the brim, then allowed the wall to lead me down the road to the only place I felt safe…with my family.

As I decompressed from my leaving, and readied for this new trial I was facing, I spent a lot of time in prayer. Whether you are a Christian or not, whether you even believe in God, I hope you will continue to read this blog…because it is about our humanness, our weaknesses and our strengths…because God is my fortress, I hope you will indulge me this time and stay with me through this blog.

Weeks went by and as I settled into this new chapter of my life, I continued to pray for God to let the hardness and hurt become a turning point of forgiveness to my husband and to myself. I had to recognize the Enemy had taken the most beautiful heart I had witnessed in a man and chewed it up. I had also become someone I didn’t like, or could even love. My personal shame became a wound I would fight to heal. I needed to forgive. I had to drop to my knees and ask God to forgive Dan, and forgive me. Then I had to forgive myself…one of the harder tasks I might add, and to help me become whole again in His eyes and in mine. Let me sideline for a moment and let you in on something we learned during my attempt to save our marriage through counseling. I am a “distancer”, and he is a “pursuer”…(to be detailed later in another blog)…this discovered combination has the ability to rain havoc. Because I knew this about my husband, I requested he not contact me under any circumstances…ever again. My goal was simply to protect myself.

A couple months later, I received a book in the mail, titled “The Storm Inside” – my daughter text me a picture of the handwriting on the envelope – and even though my husband tried to disguise the addressing, I knew who had sent it. I remember the day I started reading the book…remember the tears I shed feeling the continued need for healing as each word penetrated my soul. I realized I was filling up with forgiveness toward my husband, and toward myself. After weeks of no communication with my husband, and upon receiving this book, I knew it was important to acknowledge the person who had suggested he send it to me. So, I took the first step and text him, asking him who had advised him to send me the book, and to thank that person. I soon received my answer when my phone began to ring. I looked at the caller id to see my husband’s name, then I heard the words…”answer this call”…and so I did. Almost as if in slow motion, I reached for my phone and said hello…and for the next two hours I cried with my husband over our pain and struggles. I listened with the loving ears only our Lord could provide, at the request for forgiveness, understanding and pain my husband was expressing. That day marked, for both of us, a new beginning…a second chance. I felt the weight of our past fade away in the raw pain he felt, that we shared. I felt God’s arms of comfort take over and I knew with nothing more than by faith that we would get through the storm within, and become whole again in God’s eyes. I heard my husband tell of how it took him the shock of my leaving to fall to his knees and let God take over his heart, what God did to work through him to find the man I always knew was there, because that was who I fell in love with…but had lost through this dark time in his life that consumed us both. Even though at this time I didn’t know what our future held, I knew he had been transformed, and even if we didn’t reconcile, his life and mine were both richer in God’s love than ever before.

As each day unfolded, we talked and shared, cried and laughed…and loved. We didn’t have a say in any of this, we were being led by God to heal and to reconcile our lives together. And so the story goes, Dan flew out to Washington and as I drove to the airport with the hint of fear he may decide not to be there, or that he may change his mind about me, I found faith was the driver of my car that day. I pulled up to the curb at the Arrival post to find my husband standing with a sign that said “I love my wife”…and all my fears melted away…leaving faith that God would step forward and open my door. I stepped out of my vehicle and moved as quickly as I could into his arms. We cried and held each other as the world around us faded away…as each tear cleansed our souls and hearts and filled us with strength through our love for each other.

For the next three weeks, we continued to talk, cry, share and rebuild our love, but only through our Lord’s help. We know full well, this is God’s story and we are both sincerely blessed to be speakers for God and his beautiful Grace…that we, as humans, are to be ground in His Word and follow His heart to be whole within ourselves and with Him. Yes, trials will be there, but patience, kindness and love will be provided by God to guide us along the way. God gives us the tools to fill our lives, our hearts, and our souls with Him as our foremost thoughts and desire…and He shall bless us in our lives forever.

Remember

I remember a day when I had a dream…

A dream of life so soft and warm, of laughs and hugs and so much more…

As each dream was shattered, I’d pick up the pieces and tucked them away, safe inside a box for another day…

When another dream was shattered after so few years, I soon realized there was nothing left in that box of mine…

But I will always remember a day when I had a dream.

Though I will never give up on dreaming, this poem came as the end result of my hurt. I am a dreamer, always have been and always will be…but life doesn’t always work out as planned, so we forge forward, do what we need to do to heal, find another dream, or simply live in the memories. I am an optimist and though my steps may leave marks along the way, the path before me is filled with happiness, joy and hope. Some nights, like tonight, feel empty, tired and sad…but tomorrow will be another day and I know I will be okay…I know I will be okay…I know I will be okay. Tonight I’m sad, sad for the brokenness of our lives, sad because of hurt for so many, sad because a dream was shattered and leaves it’s scars on our hearts. I prayed to God to show me what path to take, and though I trust the path he led me on, I can’t help but feel the loss…can’t help but shed the tears along the way for a dream…a dream I once held that is now a memory. Loss is loss, no matter what kind…plain and simple. It doesn’t matter what caused the loss, who’s fault it was or the combination of the two…a loss is a loss and it hurts deep in our soul like nothing else matters. I know I want the pain to stop, the anguish to subside…but it takes time. Loss is painful and sad…but it’s not the end.

Once again God and my family are my cushion when I fall, they soften the edges and give me the warmth of love needed to heal. My life is unsettled, my future unsure, but healing has started and each day will be better. I know there will be times of loneliness, sorrow, even bumps that I may stubble over. I’ll have hills to climb, and rough roads to travel, but all in all, life will smooth out. As the morning light begins to trickle through the blinds, light fills my mind with possibilities of a stronger today, and the promise of a better tomorrow.

Summer 2014

I’ve been off the grid for most of the past two months, but for a good reason. My husband and I took this summer to travel. We spent a week in Ohio with two of his kids. They are so grown up with busy lives of their own, so having them carve out time from work for us was special. Our first evening was spent enjoying a nice dinner prepared by their mom and finishing the evening having dessert where my stepdaughter works. Our first day adventure took us hiking up a mountain so my stepson could show us his rock climbing abilities. It was intense watching him repel off a cliff at a 90-degree angle. I did my best to capture the moments on camera, truly amazed at how fast he came down the mountainside. The humidity was high, something we are not used to in Colorado, so between the hiking and sweating…or glowing, as my mother would say, it’s possible I even shed a pound or two. Of course, that is likely wishful thinking on my part.
The following day was his daughter’s idea and a day of photos for sure. We ventured to Bridal Falls…wow, talk about taking my breath away. Another great hike and well worth the stairs. A few more days were spent with nice walks and fun visiting. All in all, my two Ohio step-kids have full lives and are doing great.
Then it was off to a small town close to Cadillac, Michigan for a night with a dear old friend of Dan’s – which included an evening of great stories that continued through breakfast. At almost eighty years old and a recent widow, his open heart tore at my understanding of love. Time slips away; people age and their lives are filled with memories worth listening to…some happy, and some filled with tears.
Next stop was Escanaba, Michigan (where Dan was born and raised) for a family reunion and many laughs. We stayed on our river property and were able to get some worked carved out…okay, so Dan worked while I took pictures and sat by the river – all the time giving the mosquitoes some of my sweet blood…grrrrrrr. We spent a week there, and were joined by my husband’s oldest daughter and her husband from Denver, with family time and helping Dan’s brother with heating projects in preparation for winter, time ran out fast. Next stop was to Wisconsin for an overnight stay with Dan’s oldest sister and family. Then a two night stay with friends a couple hours west, but still in Wisconsin. After saying good-bye, we headed back to Denver for a three-day layover before heading to Washington for my side of the family. Our first main stop heading west was Seaside Oregon, a favorite haunt of mine. Of course, when you are trying to impress someone with your love of the ocean, why wouldn’t millions of anchovies get caught in the creek and die leaving a smell like…well, let’s just say it was AWFUL. Thankfully the closer to the ocean we got the smell disappeared. An overnight stay at my favorite hotel and walks along the beach filled me with peace as always.
The next day we made the final four-hour drive to where my daughter, her boyfriend and my two granddaughters live. Greeted with mounds of hugs from my two granddaughters was the best start to our visit. We stayed with them for three nights, though my daughter and boyfriend had to work, my granddaughters were on summer break and ready for some adventures. Our first day was spent at the zoo, checking out the new zoo member, a cheetah. After a few hours enjoying the animals, a stop for ice cream and a visit to the gift shop, we headed home. I have yet to show the girls the pictures I took of them fast asleep in the back seat…lol…they are good shots. The next day we took a ferry ride to Friday Harbor, which also included ice cream…can you see me smiling? We spent time collecting a few shells as we ventured the length of the beach. On the ferry ride back we had the opportunity to see jelly fish…lots of them as they floated by us in the water. Their neon colors we not visible to me until I reviewed the pictures I took…wow, pretty amazing. Our evenings were spent enjoying dinner, games and chatting with the girls, my daughter and boyfriend, who I hope someday to call son-in-law…oops, did I say that out loud???
On Thursday we headed to one of my sisters, so we could ride with her and our brother-in-law to the wedding event of the year for my niece, and it was beautiful. The date held significance to me because it was one day shy of the ninth anniversary of her mother, my sister Cathy’s passing. My niece and her new husband took one of my saddest memories and created a memory in the celebration of life…of my sister’s and a new journey of two lives. I know my sister was there to watch over the special day because I caught sight of a dragonfly among us. When I need to know my sister is there, I’ll always have a dragonfly near. I know she was beaming with pride at the beauty and love shared with family and friends.
The next couple days included hanging out with most of my family, including a game night with nieces and their families, which entailed endless laughter. My daughter’s boyfriend had gone crabbing in the morning and between him and my husband removing all the yummy meat from the shell for us to enjoy my tummy was happy, happy, happy.
Next on our list of adventures was Canada, to another sister and her family in Chilliwack where Dan was able to try his hand at a different fishing technique called flossing. My sister and I dropped him off at the Frasier river, and were not disappointed three hours later when we picked him up, and the 27″ Coho he caught. We enjoyed the first half with our Canadian family and took the other half back with us to my daughters for another feast.
Sadly there were family members we didn’t get to visit, there are never enough days. Before I knew it we had to leave for the final leg of our adventure…our long awaited honeymoon. Dan and I have been Mr. and Mrs. for three and a half years but had not taken a honeymoon because work came first; at least for my husband…I am retired and make my schedule…lol. Now Dan is retired…YAY…so off to Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons we went. For the next three days we saw beautiful herds of elk, including baby elk as cute as could be as they romp next to mom. One baby was lagging behind, letting me enjoy mom calling him to her. It is a great sound I believe is called “cowing”…but don’t hold me to that fact. We watched bisons as they made their way down the side of the road only inches from our truck. Though that was the limit to the wild animals of the park, we were just as excited with our opportunity to experience the glaciers, waterfalls, and mountains peaks. The parks have views that will have you thanking God for his creation. My camera went crazy as I filled memory cards with magnificent views. A few thousand pictures later we arrived at our last stop in Cheyenne, Wyoming to stay with a friend for the night. In the morning we made that final trek home.
To sum up life this summer, I would simply say a blessing…days filled with love of family, special occasions, beauty of nature and the chance to enjoy it all with my husband. Now as I begin reviewing photos taken I find myself laughing, smiling and at times shedding a few tears, because I miss my family daily, I miss having my sister Cathy being at her daughters’ wedding, I miss my other siblings who have passed on…and because my life is so rich it overwhelms me at times. I look at the views I captured and think about a quote our Cheyenne friend heard once – “pictures are wonderful, but they aren’t alive” – and that is so true. I can capture a moment in time with a click of my camera, but the real memories are alive in my heart…right where they belong.

Taking What Is Mine

Taking_What_Is_Mine_Cover_for_KindleSara’s life has moved on since she was forced to defend herself that day six years ago. She now has a wonderful husband, a beautiful little girl, a child on the way…and a woman hot on her trail. Ann knows who Sara is, and what she did. The pain radiates through her as she plans out her revenge. Time doesn’t matter, today, tomorrow or even next year…it will happen and soon Sara’s life will take a turn for the worst. Hell bent on getting even, Ann hunts Sara down and cunningly becomes a part of the family. At times Ann feels the joy of family, while at the same time feeling the pain of her family being ripped away. Will Sara see Ann for who she really is? Will she trust her…with her child?

Available on Amazon in paperback and ebook, and at all other ebook stores.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=taking+what+is+mine+cj+vermote

 

Mother’s Day 2014

As Mother’s Day comes to a close, I sit huddled up in my warm house due to the snowstorm that decided to make a May appearance. Sitting here, I cannot help but think about my own mother. She has been gone about forty years, leaving me to hold tight to the good memories that are precious to me. I remember coming home from school to the smell of fresh baked bread throughout the house. She would cut me a slice, almost too hot to touch, smothered with butter or peanut butter, and watch as I savored the taste of the doughy substance. I think about the cold days when she made sticky buns, served with a cup of hot chocolate. Memories of a pansy she would leave in this little brass teapot for me. I smile when I look at that little teapot today. When I was twelve, she wrote me a letter I now keep in my treasured items box…a letter of love, commitment, and joy that I was her child…confirmation of her love.

Now gone so many years, I am also sad she missed out on her grandchildren. I know she is watching from heaven, and hopefully guiding a bit as well, but I cannot imagine never holding my grandchild in my arms. Never watching my daughter become a mother herself. Never experiencing the joys of grandchildren as they adventure into school and friends. As I watch my own daughter with her children, I realize how blessed I am to be able to witness what my mother was not able to enjoy. I hold on tight to the memories of watching my daughter in the kitchen making dinner as we make small talk about the day. Listening as she guides her children through their evening routine. Once a child, now a mother of two daughters. I know my daughter will be blessed someday to experience what I see today…the beauty of motherhood.

Over spring break, my daughter, my daughters boyfriend, his mom, and my two granddaughters spent four days in California. Two days in Disneyland, one in California Adventures, and the last day being tourists in Los Angeles. Wonderful memories of watching family enjoy amusement parks, watching them as they laugh with such a sense of contentment was breathtaking. Then to spend a few more extra days with them just living life as I took part in their daily activities. Sadly I am reminded that I will not wake up in the morning to see their smiling faces. I will not be there to pick them up after school or see the upcoming sports games, taekwondo or other activity on a regular basis, which makes those times more precious than gold, and I’ll never take any of those moments for granted.

I am so proud of my daughter as a mother, and I am so blessed to witness her motherly love, guidance and nurturing over the past fourteen years. Now I live in another state and because our time is limited to my visits, every moment, laugh and conversation becomes a moment to treasure close to my heart.

Being a mother has been one of the toughest, yet most rewarding jobs I’ve held, and letting go of my children an even harder job. I love the opportunities I’ve had to watch my daughter as a mother…her ability is amazing and makes me unbelievably proud. I know that even though my mother cannot be with me in the physical world, she has watched me raise my children and my children raising their children. I only hope she is as proud of me as I am of my daughter in her role as a mother.

Being a mother never ends…needing a mother never ends either.